前回の続きで書き方のテンプレートを紹介します。

一応TOEIC/TOEFL対策として書いたのでサポーティングセンテンスや例証の部分が長くなり、全体で約340単語となっていますが、構成は英検1級と同じなのでテンプートして活用して頂けます。

また有料添削を受けたものですので英語自体に間違いはないかと思いますが、気になる方は参考程度として下さい。

 

設問:Do you approve or disapprove of the practice of unpaid overtime that Japanese corporations have? State your opinion, and include a detailed example and reason.

I disapprove of the practice of unpaid overtime that Japanese corporations have. The reasons follow. (意思の表明)

Firstly, it causes depression among employees. (トピックセンテンス)

Employees work with stress every day mainly because they need to make money not only for themselves but also for their families. They know that their families, especially pregnant wives, elderly parents, or small children, cannot survive in society without their incomes. Therefore, unpaid overwork has a grave impact on the mental health of those employees. (サポーティングセンテンス)

For example, one of my coworkers was not paid for his overtime. Although he needed the money for his wife to have her baby, he couldn’t get it. He felt a huge responsibility, and consequently committed suicide. (例証)

Secondly, unpaid overtime demoralizes the employees. (トピックセンテンス)

If they know that their overtime is not valued and not paid, they are more likely to think that it is unreasonable to work hard for their company. (サポーティングセンテンス)

For example, in my previous company, there was a limitation on overtime. The company didn’t pay for overtime exceeding 45 hours in a month. I understood that it was because the company needed to evade application of the regulation regarding health risk caused by overtime. I didn’t feel any loyalty to the company, was not motivated to work for the company, and left the company. (例証)

Finally, it is difficult for employees to change jobs. (トピックセンテンス)

In fact, some people say that if you don’t like your company, just change your job. However, considering the act that the Japanese economy is still so sluggish that we cannot have access to enough job opportunities, changing jobs is not so easy. (サポーティングセンテンス)

For example, while my younger brother quitted his company because of a bad relationship with his manager two years ago, he is still struggling to find a place to work. Though he must be a potentially excellent worker with IT skills and English proficiency, it seems difficult for him to find a job in this age of prolonged recession. (例証)

In conclusion, for these three reasons, I disapprove of the practice of unpaid overtime that Japanese companies have. (意思の再表明)

 

ほとんどネイティブが書いた英作文と同じという評価をもらいながらも、プロの添削家の方に結構修正されてこの様になりました。中身というよりは、前回書いた構成を意識してみて頂ければと思います。

ここで構成の書き方をマスターしてから実際に練習することで、効率よく英作文の書き方が身に付いていきますので、まずここで自分の書き方を決定しておきましょう。

それでは次回は英作文を引き締め、洗練する書き方を紹介します。


カテゴリー: 2. 英検1級1次

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